Vices. Advices.

Trrriiiing triiing.

Chirpy voice: Hey baby, how have you been?

Me: Oh! Don’t ask!! Depressed, if you want one word for an answer. And if you don’t care on the count of words [beware, because I am quite notorious for being redundantly superfluous], then greatly annoyed and frustrated and irritated to no end about this problem xyz and in the mood to kick someone’s ass for absolutely no reason of the ass or the owner.

[Note: When people ask you a question like that, take it from me, it is rhetoric and doesn’t have to be taken literally, unless you are open to advices.. mostly unwanted and often unheeded!!]

Annoyingly Pessimistic Friend: OMG!! That’s terrible. I know there is no solution as such to the problem xyz. You’d rather get hit by a train and a hurricane simultaneously than face this.

Me: *bewildered*

* * * * * * * * *

Opportunistically-Religious Friend: Break a coconut at the temple, will ya? And pledge God [the omnipresent, omniscient Lord Balaji of course, d’uh!!] that you will climb all the seven hills of Tirupati..
Me: ….
Opportunistically-Religious Friend: .. bare feet…
Me: !?!
Opportunistically-Religious Friend: and come back the same way. It helped my friend.
Me: But I dont have vacation.... for Tirupati
Opportunistically-Religious Friend: ummm... *ponders thoughtfully*.. you can climb the Smokies if you can.. it is the same.. He is Omnipresent you know..

* * * * * * * * *

Pseudo Intellectual Friend: Calm down, everyone has problems.

Me: So?

Pseudo Intellectual Friend: If everyone has it then it is a non-issue.

Me: Eh?

* * * * * * * * *

Classic Friend: All the world’s a stage.. and we are but mere players.

Me: Whatever!!

* * * * * * * * *

Karmic Friend: Donate to the Red Cross Relief Fund.

Me: But, I don’t think this is the world’s problem. It is mine. And I am quite possessive and protective about my problems.

Karmic Friend: Well, what goes around comes around.

* * * * * * * * *

Yoga Smitten Friend: Take a deep breath.. Inhale on the count of 3. Hold your breath in there for a few moments. While holding the breath inside your body, reflect on the happiness you had in your life, the pleasant moments you had, the satisfaction you received from the little victories in life. Be grateful for having this life, the little joys it comes with, the trifle sorrows it brings along. Forgive your enemies; let all the hard feelings out of you. Soften your face.. relax your muscles, let your eyebrows away from each other, open your heart to……

Me: [turning blue and bloated into a ball]… *splutter* *choke*… can I … exhale?? *almost passing out*

Yoga Smitten Friend: Geez, I forgot to say Exhale!! But duh!!

* * * * * * * * *

Airhead wannabe friend*: Oh! You poor bunny. Awww!! Do you wanna go shopping? There is this really cool shoe sale.. the fall fashions are on sale. I have this 10 bucks off on a bill of 1000 bucks. Beat that?

Me: Wait!! I am talking about my problems. Besides I refuse to believe fall is already here and ready to give in to winter.

Airhead wannabe friend: But that is only more good news. Mink coats, rabbit fur, big bad boots… Oh! Did you see the De La Renta show on the Fashion channel? OMG!! The spring fashions are to die for!!

Me: [which is what I think you should do]

* I seriously believe that the head contains a little more gray matter than just air, but she refuses to accept it and really wants to be the Clueless!!

* * * * * * * * *

Smart-Ass Friend: Go kick the ass. What better way to vent it out!!

Me: Is that all you have to offer?

Smart Ass Friend: Just hang in there. Believe in fate. Believe in good karma, heck, believe in leprechauns, for that matter!! *evil grin*

* * * * * * * * *

Disinterested Friend: yeah?

Me: Yes, I know. I am really really pissed off at the state of affairs in my life and if there is one thing that I would like to change at this point, that would be being born. I mean, why does everything have to happen to me? I mean, why can’t I be happy like everyone else? Why can’t I just browse the web and read blogs like everyone else, instead of having to work? I mean, why me? Why oh why??

Disinterested Friend: yeah?

* * * * * * * * *

Self Centered Friend: Oh! That bad, huh? But you will not believe what problems I had today! I had to wake up at 7 today and bathe my kids, send them to school, take a shower, make breakfast for myself, drive into work, sit in meetings, do some work, go out to lunch with my coworkers, work some more! To add to all this, while driving home from work I actually hit a RED-LIGHT!!
Me: How very unfair for you?!!

* * * * * * * * *

Naaah! My friends are not a quarter as bad as what I projected. In fact they are such sweet and sensible people. The problem is me. Losing temper and peace of mind over petty to big things is my vice and when I have lost it, the trick is don’t talk to me. If you are my friend, you have already figured it out by now. :)